if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
