But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You can't just leave with hair like that
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
