Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
