dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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