I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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