you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
