You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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