I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
