just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
