i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
