operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
