why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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