I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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