There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
