plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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