So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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