May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
