I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
