week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have peed in a lot of sinks
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize