PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
