dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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