Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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