you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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