in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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