Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
