She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
