I just cut my nipple shaving
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
