Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
