My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
