and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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