I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
