Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
