no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
