the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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