Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
