and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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