I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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