We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
