Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
