My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
