He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
