just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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