Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
