Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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