Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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