I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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