she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
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