We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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