I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
