You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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