we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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