We got so high we made milksteak
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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