I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
