After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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