If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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