There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
