I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
