But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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