I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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