hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
