nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
