Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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